Everyone is going to die sooner or later, for me my father died when I was 4 years old, so you’d think I’d be accustomed to loss. But you’re never really ready for it when it comes out the blue when it did to me a few hours ago.
My aunt, died of a cerebral aneurysm yesterday, for the non medical, that’s a burst blood vessel in the brain. My aunt and I were never close, not in a emotional or even a physical sense, only 3 members of my family live in Europe, my aunt lived about 4000 thousand miles away in Pakistan. I had only met her a handful of times, the generational and cultural gap was far too large to bridge for any ties to be formed.
But, I still cared about her, and when I was with her I got the sense she cared a great deal about me too. The idea that she’s dead still doesn’t really compute in my brain, she broke her leg a few years back, and was very limited in her movements, my brother told me from his recent trip over, she was very depressed and wishing for death, because she felt as if she was a burden on her family and was in a great deal of pain. I’m glad that she’s no longer suffering the pain she was in but, i’m still quite unusually saddened by it.
Its brought back a lot of memories of when other members of my family have died, from my uncles to my father, and i’m catching myself wondering what will happen when my mother dies, and how will I cope?
I deal with grief in a very odd way, anger, just bursts of anger and elongated periods of silence, my brother said in my DNA that all bansaipuria (this would be the name my clan, its derived from my ancestral village somewhere in India) are like that. He went on to say its also an attempt to hide my true feelings of loss behind a veil of anger.
To be honest I think my brother attempts to psychoanalyse me far too much, I think its much simpler, I’m angry at the fact someone I cared about died additionally people irritate me quite easily.
But Auntie Sabra and everyone else in my family who’s passed away you’ll be missed by one guy who never got to know you as well as he should have and will never have the chance to again…
Grief aside, I need to stop using facebook for social planning, I’ve become way too dependant on it.